“A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.”
A few years back, at the request of a few of my geek friends, I wrote a guide to winning over a geek girl. A lot of people liked it, and I’ve searched for it numerous times over the course of the last few years, but unfortunately, I’ve struck out in terms of relocating the original source. It’s still a topic that I get asked about a lot, so I figured I’d rewrite it to the best of my ability. Back when I originally wrote it, there were very few articles like it. Nowadays, there are a ton, but I think that they’re all missing a few really key points.
I included the quote at the top, regarding that place that men all hate to be – the “friend zone.” As someone who has put numerous men in said zone in my life, I think I’m reasonably well qualified to discuss that as well. So here it goes, my guide to getting a geek girl.
1. Realize that Geek Girls aren’t Nearly as Rare as you Think: One of the first obstacles I see men encounter is that they treat the first geek female they meet like she’s a rare commodity. They become so overwhelmed with the thought that she is the only one, the best, the most perfect, that they turn into complete fools when they try to deal with her. In doing this, you become insistent, and frequently creepy. Much like guys abhor the concept of the stereotypical “clingy” girl, geek girls tend to avoid men that are constantly in their face. If you don’t see geek girls where you are, there are a few options. First, try leaving your house. Trust me on this one. Try checking out the local college’s gaming club, anime club, or something else nerdy. Try internet forums for things that you are interested in that targets people in your geographic area. Go to a Convention. Once you realize that this geek girl isn’t the only geek girl, your perception on things will be far better. This is something that often comes back to bite a man far into the relationship. The number of guys I know who are in unhappy relationships with a girl, but refuse to leave because they’ll “never find another geek girl” is sad.
2. Confidence is Sexy: Women like the bad guy. As a fellow geek, you may never fall into the bad guy category. but what is it that a woman likes in the bad guy? Well, a lot of times it’s confidence. Believing in yourself, not caring what other people think of you – that is sexy. You don’t need to be a braggart or an asshole to be confident. There’s something to be said about a man who’s quietly confident as well. If you can’t like yourself, she won’t like you either. To aid in shyness, don’t think of her as a geek girl, think of her as just a fellow geek.
3. I Know I’m Great, But Can I Get Off This Pedestal Please?: Women love complements. It’s true. And the instinct for many geek guys – especially when dealing with a woman who might have been treated good in the past – is to put her up on a Pedestal. If you believe a woman is “above” you, and you tell her that repeatedly, eventually she will believe it. Approach a geek girl like an equal. Complement her when it’s appropriate. But don’t fall into the trap of saying things like, “Wow, you’re so much prettier than my other girlfriends…” or other things of that nature.
4. Self-Deprecating Humor: Self deprecating humor is pretty common in geek social circles. A lot of us have been made fun of for so many years that we embrace it, and make fun of ourselves. While there is something to be said about a man who doesn’t take himself too seriously, it’s important to keep the self-deprecating humor to a minimum. It kind of falls under the category of #3 – if you keep telling a girl that you’re beneath her, she’s eventually going to believe it. This is probably the 2nd most common reason that guys fall into the “friend zone.” If you’ve done nothing but make fun of yourself, and acted like she is above you, that’s how she’s going to perceive you. And it’s a hard perception to shake.
5. Personal Hygiene: There seem to be some myths about male hygiene that go around, and I need to dispel them. First – Axe Body Spray is not deodorant. You need to use both. Putting more good smelling stuff on isn’t going to hide the funk. Praying that she doesn’t notice isn’t going to work. If used in addition to deodorant, Axe is alright. It’s one of those love/hate things with women though. Smell is the scent that invokes memories the strongest. It’s something that you want to get right. If you hear your lady of interest say something smells good – particularly a guy she knows – it’s probably in your best interest to see what cologne he wears. Or perhaps there’s a guy that you work with that’s well dressed, and that the women at your office always seem to swoon around. Ask him for pointers. [NOTE: I've since been chided for saying Axe is alright. I know some women like it, but perhaps better advice would be just to steer clear and purchase a real cologne.]
6. Geek Girls Like Being Challenged: Again, this somewhat falls under the aforementioned categories revolving around confidence, and perceptions of inferiority. Many geek girls like being challenged. They strive to constantly learn new things, to have their horizons expanded, and to better themselves. A guy that always says yes doesn’t help her in any of these goals. A guy that always says yes will probably let her run off and do dumb things when he probably should have stopped her. Try to say and do things that force her to stop accepting life for what it is, and to challenge her to see another viewpoint. This is reason number 3 why I categorize guys in the “friend zone.” If you’re not going to point it out when I’m wrong, and you’re just going to let me walk all over you, you aren’t helping me grow in any healthy fashion.
7. That Doesn’t Mean Question Every Word She Says: No offense geek boys, but it seems like some of you have this desire to always be right. Except, it’s not a desire to always be right, but moreso a desire to prove everyone else wrong. It’s a common trait in people who are insecure with themselves. It’s also extremely unattractive. I’ve literally gone on dates with a guy who questioned everything I said. The hilarious part was that a good 75% of it was in regards to things that I could solidly prove him wrong in. And when I did prove him wrong, he refused to back down, still insisting that he was correct. We’re not talking abstract concepts that someone can argue, oh no. We’re talking facts. Dates. Numbers. Equations. Nothing is a bigger turn off, and that’s probably the #4 reason that men stay in the friend zone.
8. If you Make More than she does, try not to Flaunt it: I am going to admit upfront that this is something that is subject to debate. But a lot of us geek girls kind of like having nice jobs and being “independent.” If your lady has that mindset, it’s probably best to not mention if your income is higher initially. Some of us find it kind of daunting. So approach flaunting your income carefully. A lot of geek girls are going into life with the mindset that they shouldn’t need to depend on a man’s income. Sometimes this leads us to believe that there are socio-economic boundaries to love and relationships. If she reads women’s magazines like Cosmopolitan, she might have heard that men are judging women more and more by the type of job they have, or their income.
9. Don’t Obsess: Don’t try to hang out with her every day. Don’t cancel your plans to hang out with her. Have a life of your own. This will give you something to discuss with her, and will prevent her from running away because she feels smothered. Better yet, take the time you have to your self to do or learn something interesting. Pick up rock climbing. Learn a language, or how to cook, or some other skill. That way, when you finally do have her on a date, you can wow her with unexpected skill.
10. Don’t be Creepy: Keep the staring to a minimal level. Don’t get her drunk and try to take advantage of her. Don’t kiss her while you think she’s sleeping (trust me, she’s not). Don’t comment on every single thing she posts on Facebook. There’s a fine line between interested and stalking.
I think those are my biggest points for now. Consider yourselves educated, and go forth into the world!